I'm living in a nation. We are living in a world where the worst possiable thing you can do or be is yourself. And the second worst possiable thing you can do is be different or not agree along lines any sort of lines. My mind doesn't flow within lines. My reality is lineless.
All my life I have been sick. From birth to the seconds I have been typing this blog I have been in pain. Breathing, aching, feeling, sickly pain. I have been thinking about the blog entry I am writing for the passt few days and thus I need to get it out.
Don't see this survey list on Myspace now do you?
The first time I almost died was when I was born. Born with basically one lung they told my mother I would probably die within a year. Later when I was older I heard a doctor tell her I would be dead before I turn 25. I have always felt like I have been living on barrowed time since I clicked into 26 and now decaying into 32.
The second time I almost died was at a water park on a family vacation when I jumped into the wave pool and the only thing that saved me was lacking onto the back of a fat women who pulled me ashore. I have had the love for the big ladies ever since.
The third time I almost died was when a relative of mine had me pinned up against a tree and he whispered into my ear that if I told anyone about this he would kill me. I didn't say anything until years later but no one belived me. He is dead now. I win.
The 4th time I almost died was when I tried to run away from home once. I hitchhiked a ride with someone to get back home because I remembered Doctor Who was on PBS tonight. Later, years later I found out the guy who gave me a ride that night lived on to kill a young girl in my home town.
The 5th time I almost died was when I took a over dose of pills. It didn't work.
And so came the 6th time I almost died which was in high school when I defended someone who said he was gay and did not hide it. Not the best way to introduce yourself in Redneckville USA. Most of the football team took me into a room one day and beat me up but when I fought back and attacked one of them later in the year I lost a few days of being at school for being a problem studant.
The 7th time I almost died was when I came home one day, walked into my bedroom, locked the door, pulled out the gun my dad gave me, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. I had forgot to replace the one bullet after cleaning that stayed in there at all times. I shoke too badly to put the bullet in and cried myself to sleep that night.
The 8th time I almost died was when when I was walking home when I had to walk everywhere I went when I first moved to Florida and two high school punks pulled me into the bushes and took what little money I had in my wallet. One of them held a knife to my thoat, his hand shaking, shouting how much he wanted to slit my throat.
The 9th time I almost died was almost choking at Applebee's on a steak. Chew your food children.
The 10th time I almost died was again...almost choking but this time at Friday's.
Why has this list haunted my mind the past few days? I have no idea but now it is no longer swimming within me.
Next time children we can discuss the dangers of being open minded in a small bum fuck but not any good way town for most of your life. But until then please sit back and listen to the calming sounds of Mr. Barry Manillow!!!
Remember not knowing who you are is no excuse for not being who you are,
C.
(c)brian c. williams
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1 comment:
Wow. I learned a lot about you while reading that blog. Thanks for sharing.
You definitely can't say you're too boring for surveys now!
I want to say "I'm sorry" for the things you've been through, but it sounds so trite. Just know that, in me, you have a friend for life...and like you always say, we have to stick around and suffer together for a lot longer.
Love you.
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