THE TITLE IS: THE THING THAT IS ME

There are so many things I wish I could do right now but can not because of choices I have made in my life. These things go from the simple wish of just being able to smile without self hate to being able to give currency to charities who need it desperately. These choices I have made have been good ones and bad ones. Unfortunately most have been somewhere between good and bad and within that greyness it shows my willingness for my life to be a quote of, survival. I have not been a bad person in my times of survival, Hell, I believe myself to be a pretty good friend when friends need me, Not a half bad lover, and all employers if they were forced to be honest would have to speak of my hard edged goal of working harder than anyone else even if I was not in a position where I needed to do so.

In my survival I have been honest, non-apothecial, reliable, and when I was in Canada I tried to keep the Queens peace.

I survived. My childhood was about illness and my adult life has been about survival through my stupidest actions, my stubbornness to be something not like the others, through my lack of lack of control of my personal demons. I keep pretending survival meant something. I never spoke up for myself unless I had to and unless it was a forced situation that really called for it I rarely did so for others. I stood days and nights and sleeping thoughts and I gave piety towards the face in the mirror for being such a good bastard at being a continued existence mannequin.

A few months ago, almost a year ago actually I quit my day job. I hated the way the company did business; I hated how they treated employees… Fuck! Shit…they treated me like crap when they found out they could bring me to my knees to keep my job… … … The job did pay well though, I got vacation days, and bills got paid with left over cash. All I had to do was continue to survive. I took action on a normal day that surviving was not good enough anymore and I quit. I was feed up and I walked away.

Ani Difranco has a song were she wrote, “I have better things to do than survive.”

Last night I was in bed with Wave as she started to drift off into sleep. I do not want things to be hard for her. I want to be strong enough to help us have a life that does not depend on due days… is being a man about… is being a good person about… when does a man have to choose to just… I choose not to just survive? Why? Now months later I am having a hard time finding a new job. My former employer I’m told has been trashing me in the local industry that I was in and I really wouldn’t mind because I really hated that sort of work after almost five years doing it but… …But I have been told by a lot of possible potential employers that they will not hire me because of my bad teeth which I do not have the money to have fixed right now. They will not hire me to be a manager, a cashier, stock boy, sandwich maker, stock girl, or even dishwasher. I guess I need a nice smile to shine in the plates but… My health is failing also, it maybe the teeth causing it, or maybe it is that all those years of just surviving has finally caught up with me…

…but I will survive and I hate myself with a passion for that.

THIS WAS AN EMO RANT FROM BILLY

THE TITLE IS: THE THING THAT IS ME