On Saturdays I talk about personal stuff I wish I had more talent and at times less cowardice to try. Cowardice is the word I use. It's meaning really isn't apt but it's what comes from my inner voices.
This week the subject will be starting a YouTube channel.
This is a day late because of getting behind and not posting on Friday until Saturday and also because while writing this I keep deleting bits and then adding them back and then.... well, you get the picture.
I've been really wanting to do internet videos since before it was really possible. Be it a personal vlog or some kind of fiction series this has been a scratch I've wanted to scratch or itch... I wanted to scratch… or something like that.
Doing online video projects has always been at the back of my mind. With my second book I wanted to do a series of five minutes videos with me dressed as each character because I couldn't find anyone to act in them but I chickened out. The only thing I ever did was a really crappy book trailer for that second book.
It’s called The Past Forward by the way, check it out here.
I pimp because I've mentioned it twice.
And because I can.
And because who else will if I don't.
The thing is with my brain I think too quickly sometimes to get stuff down on paper the way it’s in my head. I do honestly believe I'm at my best when discussing a topic or telling a story when I'm doing it's face to face so to speak.
Though with my accent and inability to pronounce anything right it’s still an adventure.
But the problem is one of the faces in the face to face, namely my face.
Long story shortish. I've had a problem with my teeth and jaw for a long time and just when I was starting to have these issues fully addressed I was laid off a few years ago. These issues aren't just a matter of having teeth pulled, which I still need more pulled, but also jaw realignment and probably further surgery but I’m not here to discuss how much pain I’m in or anything. I helped bring myself to this point by not addressing these issues when I did have money and insurance. I mentioned these things for better understanding. Just as I'll also say there was a case of sexual abuse when I was younger which also plays a part of how I see myself still to this day. These are things I'm laying on the table so you might understand anything, if that's possible, that I will be talking about.
I’m here to talk about fear, how I’d love to vlog but I look like this and this isn't good enough, this body and especially the face. All my life I've had body image disputes that I've raged with myself over how I look but for years those disappeared. Good friends and and life outreach helped in calming my mind some in those years. Then with being laid off, having a cancerous friendship that took forever to get out of my life, not being able to find steady work for years, and how I look now those patterns have come back big time in my daily thoughts.
I've recorded many vlog episodes many times and tell myself that I don’t care what anyone thinks but then I deleted them.
I’d recorded an episode and told myself you know better to read the comments anyways but then I deleted it.
I've recorded an episode and told myself I could record these as a sort of secret video journal and not post them and if things don’t turn around for me I could leave these behind but then I deleted them.
When the mirrors aren't torturing enough I tell myself I can’t do it because I don’t have a good camera and when I see the laptop camera is good enough I tell myself the microphone sucks on the laptop and when someone gives me a mic to use I tell myself I should be paying more attention to the mirror about how this just isn't a good idea.
I really want to do a vlog. I want to have my own show, channel, whatever, but I don’t have the courage.
I don’t have bravery.
I don’t have bravado.
I don’t have nerve.
I don’t have guts.
I don’t have backbone.
I don’t have daring.
I do have a Thesaurus as you may have noticed but I’m also a coward.
One day I’m going to do it though.
One day because I’m inspired by Vlogbrothers.
One day because I’m inspired by Amanda Palmer.
One day because I’m inspired by Kevin Smith.
One day because I’m inspired by Amanda Chronicles.
One day I’m doing to do an episode and hit upload and you will get another view of my brain leakage, venom, and joy.
I will be writing these I Wish I Was Brave about blog entries every Saturday not only because it helps to get it out sometimes but also because others might be feeling the same way. All of our pains are unique but none of it's new. There are others out there feeling the same way so it’s good to know this. It’s good to see you aren't the only one. That depression and body image is a problem many have. That it’s not just for young people. That's it's not just something women face. And sometimes its best to find inspiration until you get to a moment when you can say FUCK IT and take a step you have always wanted to take and paint, write, draw, blog, sing, or vlog.
Tin Universe #12 The Tin Universe series that started it all...all being one novella, one novel, and about nine short stories, returns this month. And a plus it's free. Ever month you get free me to plug into your brain holes.
Someone is zombifying athletes at Clear Cut High School in Utah. Lucky the school has its own young superhero in the person of Mildred Betbeze to try and figure out what's going on. Pep rallies, cheerleaders, new kids in the neighborhood are just some of things our hero and her sidekick slash best friend Aisha have to deal with in the first book in Tin Universe's new middle grade series.